The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
