This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
