They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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