I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
two words...techno handjob
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize