then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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