Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This house was built for laser tag.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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