i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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