Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
