If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
