You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
