He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My vagina is very pro this idea
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
