pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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