jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize