you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
