it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
