I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize