The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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