my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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