that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
