She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
