Ambien. No doubt about it.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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