I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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