why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
