i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
