No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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