So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
