Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
