I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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