true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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