Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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