News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
