my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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