she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
