i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
