I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
