if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
