you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
