So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My dick has a subreddit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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