I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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