Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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