i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
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