I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
