you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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