nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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