dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
