how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
