If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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