If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have fence marks all over my body
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
