I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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