Your dad touched me again.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
