also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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