remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So vagazzling was a success
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
