Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
