one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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