I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize