You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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