Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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