She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize