u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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