I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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