Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
