I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize