one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
