literally had 100 drinks last night.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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