I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
