I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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